I'm going to pretend I didn't see the hickey on his neck. I'm going to pretend he didn't zip his sweater alllll the way up when we were talking before he rushed "home." I'm going to pretend he didn't tell Seby about this crazy party he went to with his girlfriend, where he blew all his money on her, knowing I was within listening distance. I'm going to pretend he didn't have the biggest (fake) look of hurt on his face when I told him I wanted nothing to do with him romantically. I'm going to pretend he didn't whisper how much he liked me before he let go of my hand and walked away, probably to go fuck his girlfriend. I'm going to pretend he didn't lie to me for a month and a half. I'm going to pretend I don't miss his warmth, his unique scent, his hand in mine. I'm going to pretend I'm not crying myself to sleep tonight. I'm going to pretend I'm estatic to go to work tomorrow. I'm going to pretend I didn't call him boo, and he didn't call me honey.

Most of all, I'm going to pretend I never fell for a lying, deceiving piece of shit who led me to believe we'd be together soon enough.

I'll eventually believe it if I pretend.

Captain has a girlfriend, and it isn't me.

It's some girl he's been seeing since we went on our first date. Pretty much everything that ever came out of his mouth was bullshit. And when we were having our talk he told me he'd love to see me again, date wise, and doesn't want anything serious. That alone hurt, but I agreed and said that I'd still like to see him too, with no strings attached because I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to do. After a few more dates I figured he might want something serious with me. He gave me some hope.

It was Seby who ended up telling me the truth about Cap's girlfriend, and how he told Seby to not tell me about her.

Everything sorta crashed down around me after that. I cried and had a very heavy heart. Seby tried to make me feel better but it honestly didn't work. Cap is officially cut from my life romantically.

I need a drink.

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life.

All because a certain someone who is beginning to frustrate me told me we had to have a "serious talk", but he was in a rush to do something so he wouldn't tell me right then and there. I asked if it was a good or bad thing we needed to talk about, and he just smirked and told me to wait until Friday. My heart sank all the way down to my fucking ovaries. He fucking complimented me before dropping the serious talk bomb and then rushed away after giving me a peck on the cheeck.

I don't know whether to be afraid or not, but my first instinct tells me that he's going to "leave me" for some slut and wanted to wait a week to think of a sweet, non-douchey way to tell me. Hence, my first instinct told me to be fucking terrified. Now, after I've had a few days to think about it, I'm not sure what the hell he wants to talk about. I'm going to stick with the whole he's-gonna-leave-me-for-a-slut story because that way, if it's true, I won't be that hurt or disappointed. I hate getting my hopes up, so I've completely blocked out the idea that our serious talk might be about something positive. My friends & family dislike when I do that, but I dislike getting let down, so this is the only way I see to avoid it.

The whole situation on Monday was very shady, hence why I'm having such negative thoughts to start with. I don't know. I just hope the girl he's choosing over me isn't a stupid bitch who'll end up breaking his heart. As much of a douchey move it was to make me wait til Friday, he doesn't deserve that.

Let me start off by saying: Happy belated New Year's!

I would list my resolutions, but the guilt of knowing I already broke two out of ten or so is too much. So, I'll just say my year is starting off quite nicely in other aspects. Firstly, my grades from my first semester in college are wonderful. I currently have a GPA of 3.250 with two Bs, one B+ and one A-.

Secondly, I finally went on my date with Cap. I can honestly say it was one of the best nights I've had in aaaaages. He invited me out to this cool little local Peruvian restaurant, and we just ate and talked about work, our families, alcohol (we stayed on this topic for a bit, ha), living in New York City, and anything else we could think of. Whenever our talking died down, we would sit in comfortable silences and he would just stare at me. I would look up and stare right back, with the biggest smile on my face. He was constantly telling me how beautiful I looked, and how much he liked me and how, in allll the years he's worked at our job, he's never invited any girl (from work) out on a date. He even mentioned once or twice how nervous he was. He played with my hands a lot too. Giving me little hand massages, telling me how he didn't know what was going on with him....how he's never liked anyone the why he likes me. He also went on to say I have verrry sexy lips, and how much he wanted to kiss me, but....I digress.

He paid for the whole dinner, and even a cab to take me home because he didn't want me to take the train. He put his arm around me and held my hand during the walk to the car service place. He hugged me often, and we even shared a kiss or two. During the cab ride, I rested my head on his shoulder. Later, our foreheads touched and he started to caress my cheek and give me eskimo kisses. He also played with my hair and planted tiny little kisses on my nose. I was almost heartbroken when the cab reached my apartment. I gave him one last kiss goodbye, and I can only describe the entire night as fucking blissful.

We're gonna talk about date number 2 on Monday, and I'm itching with excitement already. I had a long talk with my mother about the whole thing, and she admires the fact that he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend just yet. He apparently wants to get to know me better, and wants to continue spending time with me, before we make anything official. Yet, he looooves to be very affectionate and adorable with me at every chance he could.

I don't know what to make of our "relationship", so I'm just going to continue to get comfortable with him, and get to know him better before anything's official. I've discovered a lot about him already, and we've only gone out once, so I can only imagine what else I could uncover after going on a few more dates. I can't help it, I'm 150% smitten.

2010, you done good so far.

Me: Omfg. I hate my diet, I can't eat either of those things & I'd kill for some pudding right now :(

Sebastian: Why r u on diet? U don't need to i like it the way u r right now...Oh and u kno that sex is good to lose weight

Me: Ha, I know sex is a good way to lose weight. Hmm, maybe noah can help me lose some weight them. Lol, kiddding.

Sebastian: Well u better be kiddin or i'll be forced to break every bone in his body.

++++

Me: If you make any jokes like that involving them (skanks), then yes, I'll have to kill them. The same way you'd have to kill noah.

Sebastian: Well because im a man and so is he. And skanks are also nice and very helpful =D

Me: Oh, I know he's a man, trrrust me ;D lol, kidddding again!

Sebastian: [...] u see now on friday i will need to kill noah are u happy now ?!

Me: LOL, seby noooo! Don't kill him! I was just kidding hun :P

++++

Sebastian: Well u can talk to him, ok he can even kiss u in a cheek for goodbay but if something else then so help me god

Me: Oh, word? Hm...then this might be a bad time to mention that we made out in a dark alley one night :( LOL, okay last one,

Sebastian: Ok so now noah will be crippled.

Me: LOL, nooo, don't cripple the young lad :(

++++

Me: Okay, you're right, I'll attempt to refrain myself from making those jokes. I can't make any promises on that though ;]

Sebastian: Haha ok we will see how it will turn out. Maybe i'll get back to mind fucking

Me: mind fucking, eh. I prefer the other kind of fucking I do, you know, that kind with noah. Haaa, okay, now I'm done. No more

Sebastian: Ok so if u continue the jokes like that then i will stop whatevr jokes incl. Poking etc. I will be just boring and not caring.

Me: Okay, okay, I'm sorry boo. No more, I promise you this time.

+++++

That was probably one of our more interesting text message conversations, considering we play a little too much into our faux jealousy issues. I don't remember the last time I literally LOL'd over a text conversation. Considering the object of my affection (and lust) was our topic of the evening, I decided to have some fun with it. Friday should be interesting though, with all three of us working that same day, me and Sebastian laughing and Noah not having a clue as to what's going on. Let the good times roll.

I have 3 four page, double spaced papers to write for Psychology, due both tomorrow and possibly Wednesday (but probably all due tomorrow since the semester is pretty much over).

Along with 5 one page, double spaced reaction papers on different topics we've covered all semester.

And, while all this work I need to finish is making me cry a bit on the inside, all I can think about is Captain. All I think about is his humor, his (often failed, but cutely attempted) wit, his adorable face and antics, and his heart-melting, loving kiss.

He's admitted he likes me, has told me my kiss was "delicious" and he's always trying to make me smile. Ever since our make out session on Thanksgiving, he's been extra, dare I say, boyfriend-ish to me. Granted, we haven't even gone on our first date yet (Gotta love conflicting schedules right?). Yet still, we kiss, lips-to-lips, every night and we simply love to be alone together. He would plant quick peck after quick peck on my lips and tell me he didn't want to leave anymore. I certainly don't want him to leave, because work is a snorefest once he's gone, and all I can think about is him.

I guess this is karma for making fun of all those girls who were lovestruck over their guys to the point where they couldn't even handle their courseload, or their lives, for that matter.

So, Captain asked me out on a date. We don't have an official date set for our first date yet, but I'm going to talk to him about it tomorrow. I'm hoping we can go out on Saturday. He said he'd take me out to dinner. Really, he's just too adorable for words.

These pasts few days have been just wonderful. Well, my schoolwork is piling and piling, which is causing me to freak the fuck out. I'll be pulling all-nighters all next week, for sure.

When it comes to Cap and our "relationship", these days have in fact been wonderful. He now says goodbye to me with a kiss on the cheek and a hug. When we first hugged, he held me tight and whispered: "I wish we could stay like this all night."

It's still hard to believe he actually likes me and wants to take me out somewhere. A part of me wants to believe the worst, and I'm trying with everything I have to ignore those negative thoughts. They're always itching away in the back of my head. I don't know why. He hasn't given me any reason to think badly of him, or assume he's being affectionate with bad intentions.

I'm constantly being warned about going into this, and I feel I should learn from my mistakes, if this does end up being a bad experience. I'm going to cling to the hopeful fact that it won't turn out to be a bad experience.

I can still smell his wonderful cologne, and can still feel his arms so nice and tight around me. I love the way his beard tickles my cheek when he kisses me, and the way he smiles whenever he sees me. And I love the way he says he likes me. /mushygunk.

All in all, it's been a decent week. Hopefully this next one follows suit.

Enjoy your holidays flist. <3

Everyone I know is out having a hell of a good time tonight. At least, the people that I most care about. I'm glad they're enjoying themselves, really I am.

I'm not sure how to start explaining how I'm feeling. People are mad at me, I am the center of their laughter and the butt of their jokes. It obviously hasn't been the best week for me. Alcohol can do that to ya, I swear.

After my brother's birthday party last Friday, I swore on my beloved grandfather's grave that I wouldn't abuse liquor again. I probably should've realized it's damn near impossible for anyone I know to have any fun without needing to involve alcohol.

I also realized that I need new people to hang out with.

I guess I could say I feel pathetic, shameful, and downright stupid. I need to suffer the consequences though, so I just hide all sadness (not depression. I dislike using that word) I feel with a smile. And a genuine one too. It doesn't effect me completely, but the anger and laughter getting thrown at me still hurts.

I've been repeating it to myself all damn week, and I'll say it again here so I have some place I can visit if I ever do forget: I am never, on my grandfather's grave, going to abuse alcohol again. Ever.

The mantra used to be 'I will never drink alcohol again', but really, I am not that idiotic to say I will never drink again in my life.

I just don't know, and the confusion and uncertainly is pissing me the fuck off.

I don't even know where to start. I'm still trying to find the words as we speak (as I type...? Fuck semantics)

My feelings for Captain have intensified, completely.

Actually, feelings isn't the correct word to use. Lust is more like it.

The scenario being, I walked back into the kitchen, assuming I was alone. I was doing something on my phone, can't even remember what, and when I hear the bathroom door open, I look up and am face-to-face with a sleeveless shirt wearing, no cap on Captain.

Of course, I blushed like a fucking schoolgirl with my mouth agape. He laughed and pretended to cover himself. I tried to play it as cool as possible. He mentions he wants to start heading back to the gym, and I just nod and say 'that's cool'. He says he already started working out and flexed for me. To say my heart skipped a beat would be an understatement. My palms get shaky just thinking about it. Fuck, my heart beats quicker by just thinking about it.

Also, reading a psychology experiment based on sexual behaviors to write a paper on doesn't help matters. At all.

I'm a pervert, and I can't fucking help it.

Captain: This station plays good songs huh?
Me: Yea, they really do. My dad has a lot of these songs on CDs and he plays them all the time.
Captain: Oh really? Wow, that's cool. What other music are you into?
Me: A little of everything, really.
Captain: Do you like reggaeton?
Me: Ew, no. Not really.
Captain: What? Really?
Me: Yea, I just never was into it. Do you like it?
Captain: Oh yea, I love to dance to reggaeton. It's very sexy music ya know...
Me:...um, yea, okay. It is.


The way he says sexy makes my knees weak and I get all ~hot and bothered. Idek. This is just all over the place now.

I think he might even know I'm crushing on him.





Fuck that, he can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face (She's gonna love nobody). P-p-p-poker face.


Oh yea, I also can't stop listening to Lady Gaga. I'm not even kidding, her music is fucking ace. I love her and her ridiculous outfits.

Captain: I'll see you tomorrow?
Me: Oh, um, no.
Captain: Okay...Friday, then?
Me: No
Captain: ...Saturday?
Me: No.
Captain: What the fuck, when?
Me: Sunday?
Captain: No.
Me: Monday?
Captain: Yes! Yes, Monday!

It may not sound like a cute moment, but it was. We were giggling the entire time. Adorable, adorable, a-fucking-dorable.

I even grew a pair of balls and poked him while he wasn't looking in the kitchen. I walked right up to him and poked him. He laughed, with that damn smile, and pretended to be scared.

I'm not even going to say adorable again, even though it was, because I'm going to start annoying myself.

Although, I think it might've been smart to mention to him that I will be seeing his pretty face on Saturday, haha. In all fairness, I completely forgot that I was covering for someone at the time we had our conversation.

Ah well, let him be surprised :)

Ding, ding, you are corrrrect! This is a Captain post!

I'll make it short: I was serving some woman (man? I don't even remember) and he just happened to walk by, taking off his work shirt in the process, revealing a sleeveless undershirt. I legit stopped what I was doing and whispered "Oh my God..."

I bet the customer thought I was ~lovestruck.

After thinking about it, I concluded that oogling him like a piece of meat is the best thing I can do. He even mentioned to me that he would come to work this week dressed in a leather jacket, with his hair nicely done, just so I could see him all sexy'd up.

I've also concluded that he enjoys having me oogle him like a piece of manmeat.

I have no arguments there. None whatsoever.

I also gave him the last sip or two of my Inca Kola (peruvian soda), and never asked what he thought of it. Hmm. Guess that'll have to wait til Wednesday.

It's back to school tomorrow, in other ~interesting Angie news. I have no homework to do (at least not now), and no studying/reading to do, and I'm wide awake. This is definitely going to bite me in the ass later. I know it.

So, I've been listening to Dead By Sunrise nonstop for days now. It may not be the greatest CD ever, but still quite decent nonetheless. I've been trying to save up some dough, and I know I'm going to think twice about this, but I'm going to buy the hard copy of the CD when it gets released.

In other news...

School is going great. I got a 92 on my first Psychology exam and nearly shat a brick of excitment. I can happily report that I haven't, as of yet, received a grade lower than an 85. I plan to keep it that way, but who knows with all this work left and right.

I bought new SkullCany Ink'd earphones, and I adore them. I can literally block out the world when I have those on. They may be a bit uncomfortable, but the sound is just amazing. I'll sacrifice comfort for a week in order for music, of course.

I guess that's all.

I can't believe I typed all that while my vision is quite blurry. I can barely keep my eyes open.

(Broken record warning)

I don't know what to think about this situation anymore. I'm currently catching up on readings for my Art History class, and procrastinating my three Speech topics I need to come up with. Oh, and I'm also currently thinking about how much I laughed at work today, thanks to him. Go figure.

I'm probably going to be up all night finishing at least some of these readings, and typing up my topics with their introductions. But see, he won't leave my head. While most people would consider this a problem, I do not. I rather enjoy picturing his fucking adorable smile and cute face and bubbly personality.

Most guys, by now, will have indirectly given me a reason to think they're a piece of shit. He, on the other hand, has done the exact opposite. I even find his perviness cute. What in the world is wrong with me?

"What it is that surprises me is that I don't really want you to."

So, um, school is going pretty well. I have my first quiz on Tuesday in Speech and I'm studying my ass off for the 100%. I have so much reading to do all the time, and so much homework too. It doesn't help that I'm always exhausted either. Working doesn't really help me in that factor as well.

And I haven't been thinking about whatshisface either.

Am I fooling anyone? No? Okay.

I'm trying to seperate school and work in the sense that 96% of my brain must be focused on my schoolwork and studying, while the last 3% think about working and NOT about him.

(Translation: I think about him awaaay too much and it needs to stop. But I don't want it to. I love the feeling of my heart jumping and sweaty palms. What the fuck? No I don't. But I die whenever we "flirt", all the cute things he says and does. But he wouldn't like someone like me. Not in that way, anyway. Fuck, I'm too old for this.)

I hate awkwardness, and I've recently discovered I hate it twice as much in a college environment.

I want to say it feels like high school, but it's something utterly different. Looking around your classroom, locking eyes with a cute boy and then immediately looking away, that can be classified as high school-ish. The fact that its happened to me twice already leaves a bad impression. Or, maybe it's my fault. I tend to be quite shy around new people. Timid and blushing, when it comes to cute boys. Excluding that tibit, it is nothing like high school. The buildings are enormous, and very confusing. I can check off the classic freshman cliche of getting lost on the first day off my list, at least. I did talk to a few cool people, and even made a friend or two, so it's a start. :D

I only had two classes on Friday, and they weren't too bad. My Art professor is pretty funny. I was actually paying attention to these prehistoric paintings, thanks to him describing one as "Bill Clinton's dream woman." Fantastic. My English professor reminds me so much of my teacher from my freshman year of high school. The similarities are uncanny, and I tried (successfully) to supress my laughter. I even have a classmate from high school in class with me! That alone is the reason this class will be bearable. This professor looooves group work, and we can handle that together. Thank fucking God.

I have my Math and Psych classes on Monday, and English and Speech on Tuesday. I'm hoping these three remaining classes will continue this good streak I've been having.

I should've known Asher Roth's vision of college wasn't universal. Fuck it, I'm a college student. Just the thought makes me smile.

I have a feeling I'm going to use the Alex Turner heartbreak icon often.

I really don't know what to say, or think, anymore concerning my current, for lack of a better word, romantic situation. Just ignoring my feelings isn't going to work, so that's no longer an option. I'm just sticking to keeping our relationship purely professional. I'm going to focus (try to anyway) on my job and attempt to do it better, since I know I can be quite the bitch to some ignorant bastards. School's starting soon, so that's definitely going to take my mind off him. And who knows, maybe I'll find a new love interest at school. It'd be more appropriate.


Or maybe I'm just very, very, VERY fucking lonely. Maybe that's why I'm blowing this whole crush thing out of proportion. I haven't found a single guy attractive and funny and nice in over four years. I'm so new at this it's fucking embarassing. Some girls my age are mothers already, although I know that isn't the greatest comparison.

Me: I give you an...eight out of ten. No, nine.
Him: A nine? For what?
Me: Rating of how cute you are out of ten.
Him: Oh really? Wow, thank you. But, oh why couldn't I get a ten?

See, things like this make it hard for me to forget his undeniable cuteness.


I'm waiting for distractions, and I hope they get here as soon as fucking possible.

First off, I should mention that I had quite the interesting dream earlier this evening (Why? Well, I need to let this out, since I'm not used to having dreams like these). I got back from school, completely beat, and threw myself onto my lovely bed. I was listening to a particular song and, well, proceeded to have a sexy dream about Mr. You-Know-Who. It was...weird. I think. I don't know. I do recall feeling rather excited, though...but that's enough of that.

Anywhoo, I've decided to run down the path everyone else has been lately and get my shit together. College is around two weeks away and I'm still all over the place about it. But alas, this is where list entries come in handy.

• Call my school about my I.D (which I have yet to take a picture for)

• Get through this stupid summer course without killing someone. I swear, I'm so glad I chose late morning/early afternoon classes. NOT having to wake up at 6 or 7 in the morning will be heavenly.

• Watch some of my friends move away to start their own thrilling college careers without sounding too upset over it. This will be the most difficult thing to accomplish. But hey, meeting new people and experiencing whole new things is part of the college life.

Only two weeks left. Damn. Working makes the summer just fly right by.

He said I was beautiful, and you can only imagine my heart fell apart like the motherfucking Berlin Wall.

He stuck his fist out to me for our usual knuckle touch goodbye before he left, and I told him he looked nice.

I was one slip-of-the-tongue away from saying cute instead of nice. I can only assume he'd blush and say 'Thank You.'

I'm falling, falling, falling.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've reached a new level of pathetic.